Settle down folks, settle down. I know you’ve all been waiting for this one. I know out of all the things I write about here, the thing I know as an objective fact, is that everyone wants me to continue watching and reviewing the Hallowe– oh, you don’t care about a late entry in a dying (some would consider it dead by the time this film came out) slasher franchise? Well, uhh, too bad. I watched it, so now I’m going to write about it.

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is the fifth sequel in the Halloween series that nobody asked for. I’m surprised that it took six whole movies for the producers to stop tying a number to the title, usually that ends at the third or fourth movie when they’re embarrassed by how many sequels they’re shitting out for a quick buck. To be honest, I’m a little tired of the subtitle of these movies being The [Insert Thing Here] of Michael Myers.

I’ve honestly been trying to write this review for months (my last Halloween review was in June) and that paragraph is the only thing I’ve managed to conjure up about the movie without rolling my eyes so hard I get brain damage. Since this will stay in my Post Draft folder forever unless I delete it or post it, I present to you a review of comparable laziness and shittiness to its subject. Here are the unedited notes I took while watching Halloween: The Curse of Neverending, Sub-par Slasher Sequels.

  • Michael Myers is in a cult?
  • siqq guitar Halloween theme
  • Kill 1:Doctor- Head through wall spike
  • Kill 2: Rando-Snapped neck
  • BABY PAUL RUDD!
  • Dr Loomis doesn’t have burns/ scars anymore?
  • Kill 3: Chick from the beginning- thrown on a pitchfork/ machine?
  • fake jump scare 1
  • paul rudd is creepsville
  • fake jump scare 2
  • fake jump scare 3
  • so much flannel
  • SO MUCH FLANNEL
  • fake jump scare 4
  • is the man in black the killer from Pieces?
  • kill 4: mom of family- axe to face
  • fake jump scare 5
  • kill 5: dad of family- stabbed and electrocuted to A FUCKING EXPLOSION
  • kill 6: rando- stabbed in stomach in car
  • kill 7: boyfriend- throat slashed
  • SO MANY MUSICAL STINGS
  • everyone is a druid?
  • kill 8: doctor-slashed
  • kill 9: rando face smashed into gate
  • michael myers is hella strong in this, looks physically intimidating
  • read about how this movie had bad editing, it’s only bad at the end, but it’s REALLY bad at the end
  • fuck

From that you can gather that Halloween 6 is ’90s as hell in the worst way possible, has a couple decent kills in it, but otherwise is full of terrible continuity and impossible to decipher editing. Apparently everyone is a druid? I remember this entry in the franchise being the one where the supernatural element of Michael Myers’ backstory is thrust into the forefront of the plot, and I remember it being just the fucking worst.

I’ve heard in various forums that the Producer’s Cut of this movie is way better than the theatrical cut that I saw. I’ve found that unless the producer or director had a specific vision they wanted realized that was snubbed out by studio interference, their cut of the film usually isn’t much better than the theatrical one. Look at Batman v Superman for a Director’s Cut from a director that is a big, mainstream studio director. It barely explains anything and really just serves to bloat the movie even more.

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Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers is a boring, vapid, incomprehensible slasher that doesn’t quite fall into the so-bad-it’s-good category. The only positive things I get out of this one is seeing of of the final roles of the late, great, always wonderful Donald Pleasence, and now I have further context and appreciation for Wes Craven’s meta-slasher masterpiece, Scream.

Up next in my neverending Halloween-athon: Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later. Maybe I’ll review some Criterion films before H20 just to keep everything balanced here. To be fair, I’ve heard that after the first three Halloween films, H20 is the next best.

So I’ve got that going for me. Oh, boy.

-David