Fuck you, Netflix.
Fuck you, Netflix.
I’m a big fan of slasher movies. My all time favorite horror movie is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and my favorite horror franchise is far and away the Friday The 13th series. I’ve spent countless hours devouring B and C list slasher movies, as well as diving in to the satire-slashers of the last 20 or so years (Scream, The Final Girls, and Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon come to mind). The one slasher villain that has never fully captured my attention is Michael Myers of the Halloween franchise. I’m a really big fan of the original 1978 Halloween (I have a huge movie boner for John Carpenter, but let’s be honest, who doesn’t?), and I enjoyed Halloween II: Halloween Harder, so I figured I would finally get around to continuing my pursuit of The Shape and get down to watching Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers.
Yes, despite there being ten of these movies, this one is the Return of Michael Myers. I guess it’s like how the fourth and ninth Friday the 13th movies are titled The Final Chapter and The Final Friday respectively, when neither of those are actually the final movie in the series. Slasher franchises are not the pinnacle of forethought and planning. For those of you who don’t know: Halloween III: Season of the Witch was considered a huge disappointment for most Halloween fans, as it didn’t include Michael Myers, so when 1988 rolled around and it was time to pump out the first Halloween movie not to involve John Carpenter in the slightest, you can bet your bottom dollar that the studios made damn sure that everybody was certain that our friend Mr. Myers was showing up in this flick. I mean, how else would they fill those theater seats? Certainly not by making a great movie, that’s for sure. (more…)
The 1980s were a great time. Not that I would really know since I wasn’t alive back then, but if the movie output of that decade was anything to go by, it was an amazing era. In fact, everybody loves the ’80s so much, we’re trying to make the 2010’s (’10s? That doesn’t sound right.) the new ’80s. It seems that everything nowadays is a remake or renewal of an ’80s IP, or a throwback to the style and aesthetics of that decade. And while not everything can be as amazing and brilliant as last year’s totally-not-made-just-because-the-80s-are-back-in-style-and-we-love-money Jem and the Holograms movie, we are getting some pretty good media that not only captures the essence of the ’80s, but builds on it and infuses some modern flare.
The Guest is a thriller directed by Adam Wingard, the same guy who directed 2011’s amazing semi-deconstructionalist-home-invasion-meets-slasher-but-seriously-not-as-pretentious-as-that-sounds flick You’re Next. The Guest would fall into the same vein as movies like You’re Next and Nicolas Winding Refn’s Drive, a distinctly modern movie that pays tribute to the stylings of 1980s action, thriller, and horror flims.
The Guest follows the Petersons, an average American family who’s eldest son Caleb was a soldier who was killed while serving overseas. They are visited by a young man named David (Dan Stevens) who claims to be an army buddy of Caleb’s and who has been tasked by the deceased son to visit and help out the Peterson family. Once David arrives though, some unusual things (namely corpses) start cropping up in the Petersons’ lives and it becomes obvious that David isn’t everything he says he is. (more…)
I’m not a huge fan of comedy movies. Other than the classics like Blazing Saddles, Airplane, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, movies that are strictly comedies usually fall flat for me. Maybe I’m just a grumpy asshole, but a majority of Hollywood comedy movies are just an hour and a half of farts, people getting hit in the balls, and “jokes” about sex, and I find none of that funny. There’s only a handful of on-screen sex jokes that are actually funny, because they craft some sort of set up and punchline. Y’know, like, they’re actually jokes. A prime example would be the “Woah, bumpy road ahead!” joke from the first season of Arrested Development. George Michael is a hormone riddled teenager who has a weird crush on his cousin Maeby. When riding in the car, Maeby needs to sit on George Michael’s lap to make space. Michael Bluth exclaims there’s a bumpy road ahead, and we get to see the dread in George Michael’s eyes. Set up. Punchline. It’s simple, but it works. It’s not just “hurr durr, look at boners because a girl is hot. Get it? Boners are funny because penis.”
So now I’m going to write about a movie I enjoyed that was an hour and a half of farts, people getting hit in the balls, and “jokes” about sex.
Idiocracy is a satirical comedy by Mike Judge, creator of comedy marvels such as Office Space and the long running TV show King of the Hill. That sounds super sarcastic, but I legitimately love both of those. They are pretty divisive, so if you hate them, just pretend it was scathing sarcasm and I’m actually really funny.
Idiocracy follows the story of the world’s most average Joe (literally) who is frozen in a military experiment, only to wake up 500 years in the future. Now he needs to figure out how to find a way back to his time, but oh no! Everyone in the future is stupid! The movie opens with a case study following two families, one where the average IQ is said to be about 130 and the other where the average IQ is about 85. Now I know that IQ is a terrible way to quantify how smart someone is and having a higher IQ can still mean you can still be really fucking stupid, but for the sake of this review, characters with a high IQ are going to be called smart, and characters with low IQs will be called stupid. It shows that the stupid family reproduces much more than the smart family, spreading their stupid genes to the new generation who then go out and pop out babies like crazy. Scaling this up to a national level, by the year 2505, everyone is just a fucking idiot. The science doesn’t really check out, but whatever. (more…)