Half-Assed Movie Roundup Extravaganza!

Half-Assed Movie Roundup Extravaganza!

I’ve seen a few movies since the last time I posted, and I’ve started writing about a bunch more that I saw in  2017/ early/ mid/ late 2018 but for the life of me I can’t get to completing a full write up for any of them. So. I’m just going to blast through each movie I haven’t gotten around to posting about with two sentences each because using only one sentence is too much of a hack gimmick, right? Whatever. My blog, my rules. Strap in kids for the first ever HALF-ASSED MOVIE ROUNDUP EXTRAVAGANZA.

The Devil’s Candy (2015): Horror and heavy metal is never a bad combo in my books. Fun, creepy, and full of heart.
Seven (1995): Had a good time watching it, but it was ultimately forgettable. Don’t @ me, Fincher fanboys.
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri (2017): My favorite movie of 2017, by far. Not better than In Bruges, though.
Spiderman: Homecoming (2017): It was fine. I think?
Paddington (2014): Way better than a movie about a talking bear that eats marmalade and gets into zany antics deserves to be. I sincerely think almost anyone can find something they like in this movie.
Paddington 2 (2017): More of the same. Not as good as the first, but still better than it deserves to be.
The Babadook (2014): I really wanted to like this movie. I was pretty engaged throughout most of the runtime because the cinematography is great and the acting is superb, but ultimately the stumbling third act and very end pulled me right out of it.

Tenebrae (1982): My first Dario Argento movie (really!), and I remember almost nothing. I’m not throwing Argento away yet though, because I do still really want to see (and I have very high hopes for) Suspiria.
Casablanca (1942): I always thought this was just a boring movie for old people about old people. Boy, was I wrong.
El Mariachi (1992): Not as good as Desperado. Ultimately forgettable, though.
Desperado (1995): I remember having a blast watching this. Ultimately forgettable, though.
Once Upon A Time In Mexico (2003): Not as good as Desperado. Ultimately forgettable, though.
I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore (2017): Brilliant and relevant dark comedy with a huge heart. It felt like a cross between a Jeremy Saulnier and Martin McDonagh flick.
The Fall (2006): This is the best looking movie I’ve ever seen. And I only cried a little bit while watching it.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992): A super fun spooOOOoooky Halloween-time movie. The cinematography and visual effects are on a whole other level.
Eraserhead (1977): Genuinely unsettling, and totally deserving of all of it’s hype. Lynch solidified himself as a filmmaker that I need to explore the filmography of fully.

The Shape Of Water (2017): Not as good as everyone said it was. Not as bad as everyone else said it was.
Ringu (1998): Spooky and atmospheric the whole way through with some interesting characters and creepy moments. Haven’t seen the American remake, so I can’t compare unfortunately.
Terrifier (2018): Good gore, fantastic villain, terrible everything else. I hope the inevitable onslaught of sequels will be better.
Coco (2017): “Remember me!” Sorry, but I honestly don’t.
Akira (1988): There is way more stuff crammed in this movie than I first thought. Absolutely beautiful hand-drawn animation and a crazy, inimitable style.
Isle of Dogs (2018):  Very Wes Anderson, and a lot of fun despite how dark it gets occasionally. I don’t get the controversy behind it though.
Mom And Dad (2018): It’s called a Sawzall. That means it saws all.

So, voila! Here’s uhh, something. Happy Halloween weekend, go stay in eating shawarma and watching weird Japanese movies while everyone else is getting blackout drunk.

-David

The Birdcage (1996)

The Birdcage (1996)

As the opening credits of The Birdcage came and passed on screen I had a realization: I haven’t seen very many Robin Williams movies. Thinking back on the handful that I have seen (many of them seen a very long time ago), I remember them fondly. I don’t really have a segue or continuation to this thought other than I think I’d like to try and watch more of the late Mr. Williams’ films this year.

Despite having many moving parts, the basic premise of The Birdcage is very simple. Gay father and his uber-flamboyant partner need to act like a traditional Reaganistic family for a night when they meet their son’s wife-to-be and her hard right wing conservative parents. Goofs ensue.

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The Bye Bye Man (2017)

The Bye Bye Man (2017)

Editor’s Note: I started writing this out of pure unadulterated passion when I got home after watching this. After sleeping it off, I continued writing it in a much more calm, cool, and collected fashion. I decided to keep the bits I wrote the night of.

I’m writing this while sipping on a pilsner and riding out a sugar high from too many Mars bar bites. My friends and I made an evening out of this. We assembled with snacks and whiskey and craft beer and watched one of the worst received movies this year. We do this often, bad movie nights, but this feels special. It’s a bittersweet feeling, making a ritual out of consuming somebody else’s art to purposefully make fun of it.

Wait, did I just call The Bye Bye Man art? Fuck me. I’d like to formally apologize to the entirety of human arts and culture. (more…)

Goon (2011)

Goon (2011)

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a Canadian boy, born and raised. Bagged milk is a staple in my fridge, I measure distance in time, and I constantly shit on the Imperial system despite using it almost as much as I do the Metric system. Even despite being a huge nerd who doesn’t go oatside outside and hates sports, my eyes can’t help but gravitate towards any hockey game that shows up in my field of vision. I couldn’t tell you anything about hockey history or this season’s stats, but it’s instinctive for me as a Canadian to watch hockey if it’s put in front of me.

Goon is a hockey/ comedy movie about a man named Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott), a lovable oaf who doesn’t really have much going for him and constantly lives under the shadow of his prestigious and snooty family of doctors. Doug is really good at one thing, though: fighting. After defending his loudmouthed friend (Jay Baruchel) at a local hockey game, a coach sees his potential to become an enforcer, a hockey player who is only put on the ice to beat the ever loving shit out of people on the other team.

Doug begins moving up the ranks and eventually makes it to a the Halifax Highlanders, a minor league team where he’s tasked with helping defend Laflamme, a hot shot kid (Marc-André Grondin) who used to put away pucks like nobody’s business. Unfortunately, a recent on-ice incident with Ross “The Boss” Rhea (Liev Schreiber), the league’s most brutal enforcer has Laflamme paranoid and off his game. With Rhea returning to the league before retirement, Doug has to make sure Laflamme is in top shape by the time his and Rhea’s inevitable confrontation starts staining the ice red with blood.

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The Squid and the Whale (2005)

The Squid and the Whale (2005)

As I continue to burn through my newest pile of DVDs, I decide to watch a film I bought on two principles. The first being that it was a movie inducted into the Criteron Collection, and the second being that I found a pre-Criterion edition of it on sale for under two dollars (Canadian, meaning it was roughly four American cents).

The Squid and the Whale is an independent dramatized autobiographical comedy-drama written and directed by Noah Baumbach and produced by Wes Anderson. Don’t worry, it’s not entirely as pretentious as I made it sound there.

The Squid and the Whale follows the Berkmans, a family of four in 1986 being torn apart by an incredibly messy divorce between Bernard (Jeff Daniels) and Joan (Laura Linney). Their two sons Frank (Owen Kline) and Walt (Jesse Eisenberg) immediately take sides, with Frank siding with his mother and Walt his father. While it isn’t apparent why Bernard and Joan are separating in the first place, information begins coming to light, further dividing everyone in the family and cementing which sides they have chosen in this petty battle of favors.

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